Stella . . . she was so smooth

Bottoms Up with Bacchus


CAN you imagine what happens if you publicly accuse the sponsor of your binge of being a notorious bed-hopper?

A pal of mine will warn you never to commit such a crime after he opened his mouth too wide just two beers into last Saturday night.

It’s not like he had said anything that I wouldn’t want the world to hear.

But, you know, when you have the moolah you just enjoy calling the shots.

And of course you can choose the nice bitch first.

You know how they are quick to say “ke lapile”.

So never pretend like you are the one taking care of the boys when you are dead broke.

Well, it didn’t even get that far last Saturday.

Okay, let me fill you in on how my good friend returned home with his throat almost dry.

As soon as we strolled into one of the few watering holes in our capital, I set my eyes on this stunner.

I drooled.

Tonight I will just enjoy her, I assured myself as a lil’ bewilderment got my eyes wet.

You know, when your wallet is fat there’s nothing you can’t buy on this planet, including the so-called love.

In a few minutes, yours truly was already all over the glamorous young one.

Before we even locked our pouts, she was already drizzly wet.

I sized her up.

Grabbing her gently, I placed her smooth lips on mine.

Slurp! Slurp! Slurp!

“Oh Stella,” I murmured with satisfaction.

One more swig and she was gone!

“Another round,” I ordered.

Quaff, quaff, I hit Miss Stella.

As I was about to take on her for the third time, my friend opened his big mouth.

“You are a bitch man!” he shouted at me, drawing all eyes around the counter to me.

“You have become a serial bed-hopper since you dumped Pilsener,” he muttered, apparently enjoying the attention he had drawn to us.

“Just yesterday you had a fling with Miss Savanna before a quickie with that gold-digger . . . . yah, Hunters!”

I loosened my grip on Stella.

“Now, you are hard on my good sister Stella Artois as if you have never seen such beautiful but powerful women.”

The whole house burst in laughter.

And that was his last beer on me!

Well, for now that’s it about my “beerising” — or womanising if you like.

Right, have I told you I enjoy my beer cold and served chop-chop?

But of late those people employed to run around with trays at bars have been doing a good job of sabotaging me.

Yes, these people normally employed on the basis of their pretty faces more than anything substantial have been giving Bacchus a hard time.

It’s funny how they are so good at smiling at you but very incompetent when it comes to the very job they are paid for — giving service on time.

For countless times I have been made to wait for my ale  for donkey years while these tray-carriers chat about their weekend escapades or simply gossip.

If they don’t delay serving the beer they bring the wrong order altogether.

And when you point out their mistakes they will give you the same old “I thought you ordered that” excuse.

The only time they really care about you is when it’s time to settle the bill because it comes with a tip.

Ever noticed how they sulk when you leave a morsel of a tip on the table?

It’s not that Bacchus is tight-fisted but more often than not the service from these people is just pathetic.

It’s so hopelessly bad that it’s actually counterproductive to give them a tip.

If you generously reward shoddy service you will get more of it next time and in huge dosses too.

The more familiar you get with them the poorer the service they give you. 

The logic goes: “Surely Bacchus you know how little I am paid to understand why I don’t work my butt off here.”

They can be very cunning too.

I know quite a number that give themselves huge tips by simply pocketing the rest of the change on the bill.

They are very good at abusing their familiarity with clients.

Bacchus has been a victim of this criminal activity on many occasions.

There are also those who behave as if you will be asking them for their coochie when all you will be asking for is a beer.

They will turn their eyes and start walking with a spring in their step.

Some things are just amazing. 

Until next week, drink, swig, sip, gulp and slug as much as you can!

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