Steaming It Off
ACHE! This is getting too much! Serious!
I do not understand it and I do not like it! And I know most of you do not like it too!
Oh, my bad! I am already going on and on and I have not even told you what is crawling up my back the wrong way.
Okay, here goes: I seriously do not understand this new phenomenon of “female-men”, “she-men” and all other names you can think of calling all these men who act so female yet they are men.
Look, we were introduced to the trend of the “metrosexual”, who is very different from the normal (and some not normal) heterosexual, the homosexual (I mean it in all the political-correctness I can muster), the transsexual and all the other phrases I might not be familiar with.
Do not get me wrong people.
My man should be clean and, for lack of a better term, presentable. And please let him be as masculine as a man should be.
Guys, do not think by masculine I mean fist-wielding, quart-clanking cavemen. No, sir, I mean you should be a manly man!
I swear there is something really odd about a man who uses lip gloss (odd being the best word I could come up with without being insulting).
Okay, it is said the metrosexual goes for manicures and pedicures, facials and he even waxes. But, eish, in my opinion, that is just too feminine!
Plus, isn’t pink for girls and blue for boys?
I personally do not like the colour pink, but I think it is the sweetest colour ever. Come to think about it, there are some shades of pink one should not wear as soon as they lose their virginity!
Well, older women can get away with pink, but guys, no matter how exotic the name on the tag may sound, it is still a shade of pink and some of us really think you should have not spent your hard-earned cash on it.
And by the way, stop listening to these catwalk lies — pink is NOT the new black!
Me thinks the only men who can be caught wearing a skirt are the Celts!
In fact, I would love to catch one of those — just so that I can take a peek at . . . eish, I’m digressing!
Those that may wear dresses are those whose traditional/native wear is a garment that looks like a dress — for instance, caftans.
Then there are religious reasons as we see priests in robes and that is that.
I did not believe my eyes when the fashion world came up with really beautiful and even expensive men skirts.
Damn, there are even websites that support this.
Okay, I know I wear pants and it is not anywhere in my history books. But really now . . .
Still on that, what in the world is a “man-bag”?
Look, a handbag is a handbag. Please do not try to “masculine” it.
Fine, you can carry around a bag for your stuff if you have a load of things to lug around, but seriously does it have to be so feminine?
Bathong, this “man-bag” business sometimes is just so suspect.
Ladies, I don’t know about you, but a man who takes longer than I do in the bathroom is weird!
Yes, brother, you have to take care of your skin . . . empa a three-step cleansing routine, day/night cream, followed by a peeling mask!
Maybe I am a cave-woman at heart, but I really want a man to be a man and sound like one too.
For instance, if we find ourselves in a room, having a conversation, I want anyone who happens to pass that room and hear us to be able to tell the difference?
If you think an asinine whiny voice will bag you some fine chicks, think again. Ask any woman!
If my voice sounds deeper than yours, we will not think you are the sensitive type. We will believe you are a wuss!
What happened at puberty? Do some exercises, read books, Google tips — do something about that voice!
There are loads of fine, young, virile brothers out there who would make some good boyfriend material — even husbands and baby daddies.
But there are just so-o-o many desperately single sisters too.
When you sit down and ask these women why they are so alone and lonely, some of the things mentioned above come up and, well, some other issues — big and small (though some women are really impossible to please).
Talking about single women I have something to say, but I have to run and get myself a bullet-proof vest and a bodyguard just in case ‘ke fahlile ‘muso ka lehlabathe’ and all the metrosexual, pink-shirted, lip-glossed, handbag-wielding men of this village put out a contract on me.
He-he-he-he, guys you know I love you!